My Man Says He’s Not an Alcoholic: Signs of Alcoholism in Men

sweet couple eating together

My Man Says He’s Not an Alcoholic: Signs of Alcoholism in Men

sweet couple eating togetherIf your partner is drinking too much, you probably notice a lot. At the same time, they may argue or even outright deny drinking too much or having a problem. That’s a common problem with alcoholics. They convince themselves that they are in control and they can quit whenever they want – even when they can’t. 

Recognizing that your loved one is struggling with an alcohol use disorder is one of the first steps of getting them help. It can also be important for your own mental health – especially if they are lying and hiding drinking. Unfortunately, if your loved one doesn’t’ want to get help, they won’t and you can’t make them. However, taking the steps to help them learn about substance use disorders, why alcoholism is a treatable thing and not a personal failing, and how they can get help may help. And, that all starts with recognizing the signs of alcoholism and how it impacts people.

They Get Sick Often 

If your man is drinking so much that he has cold or flu symptoms when he stops, he’s struggling with alcohol dependency. This means that his body is so accustomed to alcohol that it has to adjust to lower levels of it when he stops drinking. With alcohol, this happens because alcohol interacts with the central nervous system and therefore the respiratory system. As a result, someone going through withdrawal will have shaking hands, sniffles, a headache, and will likely be extremely irritable. 

Even if you notice that they periodically have these symptoms, especially if they can’t drink for a few days for medication or for work – then they likely have a problem. 

He Sneaks or Hides Drinking

Someone with a healthy relationship to alcohol will never sneak or hide drinks. It doesn’t matter how much you “nag” them about it or feel negatively about it. If they have a good relationship with alcohol, they won’t hide using it. 

This means that finding bottles hidden in a drawer or behind a couch is a sign of alcoholism. It means that someone who fills water or soda bottles with alcohol and takes them with them through the day is an alcoholic. It means that someone who often or normally slips alcohol into their normal beverage is an alcoholic. And, it means that someone who hides or tries to throw away bottles or evidence that they were drinking is an alcoholic. 

They Drink More than They Say 

man drinking alcohol

If your loved one promises to have a single drink and then gets drunk, it’s fine once, but more than that and it’s a bad sign. Even if they jokingly go “I can’t just have one beer, it turns into two and then three”, it means that they don’t have self-control around alcohol. Lack of self-control around alcohol means they have a substance use disorder. 

That’s also true if he tells you he drank less than you know he did. For example, if your partner comes home smelling strongly of alcohol and says he only had a few beers. Or, if he lies about not being drunk but is drunk. If he has to lie about it, it is a problem.

Unfortunately, this can be difficult to argue or work around. Why? People often lie so well that they convince themselves. That’s very easy in a bar, where you don’t have bottles and cups to get rid of. It’s also easy at home when you sneak drinks and hide them – because you don’t see the evidence of how much you’re drinking either. When that’s the case, it means alcohol consumption can get significantly out of hand, because they aren’t keeping tabs on what they are actually drinking. 

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They Frequently Binge 

men binge drinkingBinge drinking, or drinking more than four servings of alcohol in a single sitting, shouldn’t be a regular thing. Healthy alcohol consumption involves moderation and being careful of how much you drink and why. Yet, 80% or more of Americans will sometimes binge drink. If that happens once or twice a year, it’s usually fine. However, if it’s a thing that happens more often, it usually means there’s a problem. 

That’s also true if they:

  • Save up to get to drink more on the weekends
  • Drink to the point of blackout
  • Drink to the point of throwing up 
  • Have memory lapses while drinking 

They Overprioritize Drinking 

It’s normal to look forward to having a few beers with friends. However, if someone has a problem, they over think about drinking. Sometimes that can take the form of making it a hobby. People invest in craft beer or spirits to make their alcoholism more socially acceptable. However, if they spend a significant portion of their time thinking about or drinking alcohol, it’s usually a bad sign. You can have a healthy relationship with craft alcohol and put more time and attention into it. However, that should not be paired with also frequently getting drunk. 

Overprioritizing drinking looks like:

  • Spending a lot of effort to ensure there is alcohol
  • Skipping meals so alcohol hits harder 
  • Skipping meals so they can drink without gaining weight 
  • Refusing to go somewhere because they can’t drink
  • Refusing to go somewhere unless you are the designated driver

Essentially, if the most important part of the activity is drinking, your partner has a problem. 

He Drinks to Self-Medicate

TV shows and media have normalized “having a drink to feel better” or to “unwind”. However, that’s a very unhealthy approach to life and one that can result in addiction. If your partner uses alcohol to make themselves feel better during extreme events, it’s probably fine. On the other hand, if they need a beer to unwind from work or to even be normal, they have a problem. 

Alcohol should not be a way to cope with stress. It also shouldn’t be a way to manage emotions, including social anxiety. Alcohol also should not be a social lubricant. If you “need” it, you have a problem. 

They Can’t Quit

a woman having issues with her boyfriend's alcohol problemIf your partner goes “I can quit anytime I want”, and then doesn’t, it usually means they can’t. That’s also true if they keep trying to quit and then relapse and find a reason for that. Or, if they say they will quit or cut back, and then keep finding reasons to not. “I’ll stop drinking when that stressful thing stops” is the same as saying “I can’t quit”. It’s also true if they blame it on you, “I might drink less if you didn’t nag so much”, also means “I can’t quit”. 

Most people will at least try to cut back or to quit and then may find that they can’t actually do so. That’s true even if it seems like they have a valid reason. Or if quitting really is inconvenient right then. If someone cannot quit, especially if they say they want to, they have a problem. 

If your partner is struggling with alcohol, it’s important to try to get them help. Unfortunately, getting someone to acknowledge that they need help can be extremely difficult. You may need professional help or an intervention to get your partner to face the fact that they do have a problem. And, that starts with recognizing the ways they do struggle with alcohol. Good luck getting your loved one into treatment.

If you or your loved-one struggles from alcoholism or other substance abuse please contact us today and speak with one of our experienced and professional intake advisors about our alcohol rehab, detox, partial hospitalization, and residential treatment programs. 10 Acre Ranch also has specialty tracks like our pet friendly drug rehab and couples substance abuse treatment programs. We’re here to help you recover.

Does Sobriety have to be Boring?

photo of a thoughtful woman thinking about sobriety

If you’re getting sober for the first time, the first thing that might strike you is just how much time you have. The more you drink, the less time you have and the less memory you have of that time.

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7 Signs of Denial in an Addict

photo of depressed man with alcoholism problem sitting in dark rehab center

7 Signs of Denial in an Addict

photo of depressed man with alcoholism problem sitting in dark rehab centerToday, an estimated 18.5 million Americans struggle with drug and alcohol addiction, yet, in 2019, just 20.4% of us ever got help. That’s often because of factors like denial, in which we literally lie to ourselves about whether we have a problem and whether we can quit on our own. Most of us associate addiction with significant personal shame and personal failure. While that isn’t true, addiction is a mental health disorder that some of us are more vulnerable to than others, we feel that way anyway. As a result, we lie to ourselves, convincing ourselves that we drink or use because of specific reasons, and we could easily regain control “if we wanted to”.

Denial is also incredibly normal. Most addicts are more prone to denial than they are to acknowledging that they have a problem. And, that’s important, because acknowledgement is one of the first steps to getting help. You can’t go to rehab and get treatment if you’re not yet ready to go “I have a problem and I want to get better”.

If you or a loved one is struggling with substance use, chances are, they are in denial. These 7 signs of denial in an addict will get you started on how to recognize and respond to that denial.

1. “I can quit anytime I want”

If your loved one constantly acts as though they can stop at any point in time, but doesn’t, they are likely in denial. Phrases like:

“I can quit anytime I want”

“I’ll quit next week”

“I’ll think about if I want to and if I want to I will”

Are all fine if they are followed by quitting or a reduction in alcohol intake. But, when they are empty bluster and the person does not decrease alcohol, does not attempt to quit, and continues on as they are, it’s likely a case of denial. Here, they are using a mental tactic to avoid acknowledging to themselves that they can’t quit. And, chances are, deep down, they’re afraid that they can’t. So, if they say it out loud or try to for real, they will have to acknowledge that they can’t.

This is especially common when substance use started out small and got to be a big thing over a period of time. E.g., someone abusing sleeping pills, someone drinking, or an occasional habit of recreational drugs like cannabis became a daily thing. They can easily pretend they’re still in a state from several months or even years ago, when they were in control and they could quit. Acknowledging that that is no longer the case is painful and most people will avoid it at all costs unless forced to face it.

2. “It’s Not That Bad”

“So? I’m not doing heroin”, “It’s just a glass of vodka after work”, “I don’t even drink as much as X person” are all phrases you might here when someone is trying to minimize the extent of their problem. Chances are, they might not realize how much they drink or use themselves. That’s especially true when they get into sneaking habits. For example, they have a bottle of whiskey on the table, they start drinking too much of it, they start filling it up to hide how much they’re drinking, and before long, they can’t even keep track of how much they’re drinking themselves.

This is most common with prescription medication, because people take one and then another, and hide the results – and don’t notice how much they’ve gone through until the prescription is out. Then, they get more and the cycle starts over again. If they’ve gone doctor shopping and have more than one doctor, they’ll even pretend that they’re not using that much, they just need more because their original prescription doesn’t cover their needs.

This sort of denial is especially insidious because they’ll likely have no idea how much it is they’re actually taking. That can be difficult to deal with, because you’ll have to force them to realize how much they’re drinking or using as part of the discussion.

3. “I didn’t drink/use anything”

Outright lying is something that few of us expect as a denial tactic, but it is. This is exacerbated by the fact that substance use affects memory. Someone using might not have any actual memory of drinking or using on that date. They might be acting self-righteous because they actually believe you’re accusing them falsely.

Here, you’ll most commonly get lies about how much someone drank. E.g., “I only had two beers”, when they came home and blacked out.

Get Your Questions Answered

Our expert & caring staff on site are available 24/7. Call us today.

866-274-9892

photo of a male patient talking to his psychologist about his addiction4. “I need to relax”

If someone is validating their substance use through excuses, they are likely in denial. Here, you’ll often see things like:

  • “I need a drink after work, commute and my boss are so stressful”
  • “Just until I get a new job, I’ll quit after, I promise”
  • “I’m in pain, I’ll stop when this prescription is out”
  • “I can’t function without it, I’ll finish this big task at work and then I’ll quit”

   People who have experienced a traumatic incident, such as a car accident or death in the family, are very likely to lean on this type of denial. It means shifting the reason for using substances to an external event. The problem is, the goal post is almost always moved.

5. “If you wouldn’t nag”

People who blame others for their substance use disorders are normally trying to evade personal responsibility and personally feeling bad. They can weaponize that to anger against others, essentially blaming the other for causing their need for substance use.

  • “Dealing with a baby is so stressful, I can’t manage without the valium”
  • “If you wouldn’t nag”
  • “If my boss would quit riding me all day”
  • “Carolyne broke up with me I need this”

This sort of blame can range from the relatively understandable to simply accusing someone else of causing problems. It’s always a bad sign, because reasons for drinking are always internal. If someone is looking externally, they’re looking for someone to blame so they don’t have to be accountable themselves.

6. “And who’s fault is that?”

If someone turns conversations around and blames others or manipulates you into changing the subject when you bring up drugs and alcohol, they are in denial. Drug and alcohol addicts often use manipulation to cover their addiction, both to others and to themselves. For example, if they redirect the conversation, change the topic, or twist the conversation around to be about you or your behavior. This is a strong sign that they are evading the topic, and usually that means to themselves as well.

7. Hiding Substance Use

The most telling sign that someone is in denial is when they hide signs of substance abuse. For example, if they tuck bottles into the bottom of the trash. If they hide pill packages. If they use pills from a container other than the one you see them taking daily prescriptions from. If they’re using illicit drugs, it’s understandable they’d hide that as well, but anyone taking an illicit drug also has a problem as well.

Denial is common in addicts, because most of us don’t want to admit that we have a problem. We want to be healthy, in control, and able to stop whenever we want. But, addiction catches everyone unaware. There’s no shame in acknowledging that you have a mental health disorder and no shame in getting help. The first step to getting help is recognizing the problem and reaching out.

If you or your loved-one struggles from substance abuse please contact us today and speak with one of our experienced and professional intake advisors. We’re here to help you recover.