How to Say No to an Addict You Love

In 2020, 40.3 million U.S. adults (Aged 12 and older) struggled with a drug or alcohol use disorder. With 6.29% of the U.S. population struggling with drugs and alcohol, 3 out of every 50 Americans has a substance use problem. That means 1 in 5 Americans has a close friend, family member, or relative who has a substance use problem. Millions of Americans struggle with addiction, so it’s extremely likely that you and the people around you have loved ones with a problem.

Importantly, that substance abuse affects how that person thinks, acts, prioritizes, and reacts. People with substance abuse problems often abuse the people around them, often accidentally – as they lie, manipulate, and try to get more of the substance they’re addicted to. The people taking care of them can harm their own mental health, can cut into their own wellbeing, and can accidentally engage in enabling behaviors without even realizing it. Learning how to say no to the addict in your life is the only way to protect yourself and your loved one from that addiction.

Unfortunately, saying no is never as easy as it sounds. That’s especially true when you have someone with a substance use disorder who will try to manipulate, wheedle, or even get angry at you when you say no. If you’re trying to set boundaries with your loved one, this guide should help.

Avoid Enabling Behavior

If your actions allow your loved one to continue using, to get drugs or alcohol at that point, or to otherwise maintain their addiction, it is “enabling”. Here, your actions might be as benign as paying their half of the rent. It might be as simple as letting them go to the store instead of you. It might also be you taking up more and more of their slack as they drop responsibilities. E.g., if you find yourself doing their chores as well as your own, without repercussions to them.

Some enabling behaviors, like giving money, dropping them off/picking them up when they go to drink or use, turning a blind eye, etc., are very obvious when you stop to think about them. In other cases, enabling behaviors can be much more insidious, because you might not realize that the thing you’re doing is allowing someone else to use. E.g., calling their boss or school to inform them they’re sick when actually your loved one has a hangover.

Saying no means assessing your behavior and refusing to participate in enabling behavior. Can you cover their half of the rent? No, not unless they move out. Can you do their chores? No, not unless they pay you the money to do them or pay someone else to do them. Can you drop them off somewhere? No, not unless it’s a doctor or to work, etc.

Refusing to be Manipulated

Substance abusers often rely on manipulative tactics like lying, gaslighting, twisting the truth, and using emotional blackmail to get their way. That may involve offering excuses, telling you they’ll change, or actively deceiving you in some other way.

It’s important that you set a hard boundary and refuse to be manipulated. If someone is using emotionally manipulative tactics on you and you recognize that, stop the conversation. Tell them you won’t talk to them or participate in the discussion unless they behave fairly and honestly. Of course, depending on your loved one and their addiction, this kind of response can result in anger and even violence. It’s important to gauge their response and react in a way that will be safe for you. At the same time, it’s important to remember that their substance abuse is never your fault. They will never magically recover. They will never get better without intensive therapy and treatment. Anything they say to the contrary is just manipulation.