How I Stayed Sober When I Felt Unwelcome in 12-Step Meetings

For most of us, going to 12-step is the next step after rehab. Social support and more importantly, social accountability, can be hugely impactful in helping recovering addicts to stay sober. In addition, 12-step groups are designed to give us access to a group of peers, potential friends, and sober activities and alternatives – so we always have something to fall back on. 12 step is also the most common non-professional substance abuse intervention in the United States. In 2023, 5.8 million people participated in primarily 12-step support groups. Plus, with an estimated 70% of rehab centers offering 12-step-based programs, 12-step is everywhere.

But, what happens when you feel unwelcome? What happens if 12 Step isn’t for you? Are there alternatives? The answer for me was yes, and that can be the same for you. For me, that started with figuring out why 12-Step wasn’t working for me.

Why Did I Feel Unwelcome in Step 12?

There are a lot of reasons to feel unwelcome in 12-step meetings. The first and most pressing is that it can take a long time to get comfortable with a new group. You walk in and people are talking, they’re crying, they’re being emotional – you feel like an outsider, or at least I did. The whole thing feels ritualistic and silly. I wanted to quit immediately.

I stuck it out and stayed. It took weeks before I started to feel like I was part of the group. Before I felt comfortable actually sharing things.

Still, things didn’t feel right.

• I wasn’t religious, or at least not like the group was. Everyone was praying and looking up to God and I was still trying to figure out what I believed in and why. It was alienating.
• I wanted a science-based approach. I’d been to a behavioral therapy-based rehab center and moving from that to something entirely spiritual was a shock. I wasn’t ready for it.
• I didn’t align with the values. If I had a disease, why did I have to admit it and feel ashamed? Why couldn’t I recover in my own pace instead of having to write letters at a specific time – that my loved ones knew were from my group?

Eventually, I came to the decision that 12-Step wasn’t for me. I still felt alienated and unwelcome. I wanted something else.

Trying Other Support Groups

The days of Alcoholics Anonymous being the only option to help people recovering from substance abuse are long gone. If you live in an urban area, there are plenty of other options and, like me, you can try them until you find something that feels more like home. Support groups are still an important way to find and build support networks, to find social activities, and to have an outlet. Letting go of the idea that it had to be Alcoholics Anonymous allowed me to look for and find that solution.

Some great options to look into include SMART Recovery, Refuge Recovery, and LifeRing. All three use a structured approach to support groups. All three also step away from the idea that you need a higher power to guide you through recovery. SMART recognizes that you need a science-based approach and you need access to therapists and counselors. It doesn’t ask you to pray as a group. Instead, it asks you to share, build community, and to learn about how your body and your mind work. That was a powerful tool for me in staying sober even when I couldn’t get along with 12-step.’

• Try visiting several support groups as a guest. Be honest that you’re looking around and that you haven’t gotten along with the 12-step groups you’ve been in so far. It worked for me so it should work for you to. Most groups are more than happy to highlight what they do differently.
• Stick to things for a few weeks or months before you make up your mind. Going into a new group you’ll always feel like an outsider. Especially if you’re being asked to share deeply personal things that you might even feel ashamed of.
• If you make a list of what you don’t like about 12-step, like I did, you can more easily match a new group that does meet your needs.

Making Your Own Accountability and Routine

Most of us lean on 12-step groups for accountability and for ensuring a good routine. The thing is, you need to build that for yourself anyway. If you quit going to 12-step, it’s important that you don’t start spending that time somewhere else.

For example, I did the 90 meetings in 90 days approach with 12 step. When I quit, I started using that time for my own routines and hobbies. I’d take an hour to go for a walk. I’d use that time to think about how I felt and then I’d write in a journal when I got home. That practice gave me more insight into how I was feeling, what I wanted, and what was affecting me. Building good habits means being accountable to yourself. That means:

• Exercising regularly
• Taking care of yourself with good food and personal hygiene
• Taking care of your space because clutter and mess make you feel bad
• Reaching out to friends and family because they will remind you why you’re being accountable.

If you do things enough times in a row, it will start feeling like part of your life and not something you’re trying to force yourself to do. I don’t know anyone who has built the “automatic habits” that people talk about, I don’t even automatically brush my teeth, but it will create a sense of things are right and a sense of responsibility and obligation – so that it’s much harder not to do the routine.

Connect with Others

You can’t recover on your own. I can’t, no one I know could. You need support from your friends, your family, your peers, therapists. You need fun and social activity. Doing things alone is what got me into drinking. My recovery has to be about asking for help and connecting with other people. That means:

• Connecting with sober community. I looked online where I found in-person groups hosting sober parties, sober outings, and things to do where people were committed to not drinking alcohol. Best of all, those groups don’t have to be about recovery. They can just be about fun. Because my recovery was extremely important to me, I moved into a sober living community to have that accountability around me all the time.
• Keep going to therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy, counseling, and other forms of professional help still help even after you’ve gone through rehab. I was able to go to a therapist to continue working on goals, to tackle problems as they came up, and to get more insight into my behavior. I chose an outpatient addiction treatment program which was also covered by my insurance.

Eventually, 12-step is just one tool in your list of options to get and stay sober. If it’s not working out for you, look around, there are plenty of opportunities. Finding something that worked for me meant engaging with the reasons why I felt unwelcome in 12-step meetings and then looking for alternatives that acknowledged and resolved those issues.

Ideally, you can use those same steps to find a solution as well. Good luck with your recovery and stay strong.