6 Reasons Not to Get into a Relationship in Your First Year

If you’re in recent recovery, you’ve probably heard that you shouldn’t start dating. In fact, you might have had therapists, your sponsors, and other professionals specifically warning against it. That can be difficult to process, or to adhere to, especially when you meet someone. Unfortunately, saying no, asking that someone to wait, or taking things slowly and staying out of the bedroom can be the best thing you can do for your recovery. Love can feel great. It can make us feel like we are fixed. And often, that’s exactly the problem.

Whether you’re looking for reasons for yourself or you’re trying to talk to your loved one, these 6 reasons not to get into a relationship should help.

1. You Have to Focus on Yourself

The earlier you are in recovery, the more you have to spend time on support, counseling, and building up the habits and coping mechanisms that will keep you in recovery. If you start a relationship, the nature of a relationship means you focus on them, what do they like, what do they need, how can you fit yourself into their life. The thing is, you have to figure all of that out for yourself. The longer you’ve been addicted, the truer that is. If you’re still figuring yourself out, you can’t figure someone else out. Most importantly, if you have to focus on your own healing and growth, focusing on someone else and on growing a relationship will interrupt your healing and growth. You won’t notice it, especially not at first. But if things do go bad, you will definitely notice it, and you’ll be left without much of the groundwork of having spent that time building up your own coping mechanisms.

2. You Don’t Have the Time

If you’re coming out of recovery, you have a lot of responsibilities. Those might include things like your job, your school, spending time rebuilding relationships, spending time learning hobbies, etc.

For many of us, the first year after rehab also includes ongoing therapy, ongoing counseling, and daily or weekly visits to self-help groups. That’s a lot of time commitment. And, it leaves little room for a romantic attachment which might demand a significant amount of your time and attention. Getting distracted could mean skipping those vital parts of your recovery. You don’t have the time for that, because that impacts the rest of your life. And, if you tell someone you’re interested in, they will agree that you have to focus on those things first for your health – if they actually care about you.

3. You Don’t Have the Mental Space to Be a Good Partner

Addiction does a lot of things to the brain, the body, and the mental health. It negatively impacts how you make decisions, how you process emotions, and your self-esteem. For example, addiction causes emotional blunting, where the neuroreceptors in your brain are damaged and unable to process serotonin and dopamine at a pre-addiction level. You feel less in response to normal emotions and activities. And, that doesn’t usually recover until anywhere from 3 months to 12 months following quitting. Addiction and substance abuse also increase impulsivity and sensation-seeking – you’re more likely to chase anything that makes you feel good, just because it makes you feel good. That can be dangerous in a relationship – but you can’t make the kind of thought-out decisions your partner deserves.

Eventually, if you’re not mentally healthy and getting into a relationship can prevent you from becoming mentally healthy, you can’t be a good partner. The first act of choosing to sacrifice your own recovery for a partner says that you are willing to make irresponsible decisions that could hurt them. Of course, you can always ask them to wait – which is a better decision but could still result in causing hurt if feelings change in the meantime.